Redefining HOPE

Whenever my head hits the pillow at the end of my day, my thoughts are a whirlwind pattern of constant images of cancer, feelings about it, the dread of chemo, imagining the outcome of my surgeries, the not knowing of everything. That word HOPE that saunters alongside every breast cancer ribbon and slogan disturbs me instead of comforting me when I'm feeling such things. I'm anxious about it. I'm supposed to find comfort in this word HOPE when I'm feeling scared, intimidated or alone about having cancer and yet I find it to be quite the opposite. HOPE: 'the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best'. I'm unsettled. HOPE is not enough for me. Believe and Faith and Live are words I replace hope with. There is a sense of personal action when I believe and have faith and above all LIVE. Hope is a word that floats like a feather and you 'hope' it lands in your hand. That's not good enough for me. I won't 'hope' along side breast cancer, I will LIVE alongside it and battle and overcome.