16 weeks, I made it!

Last of chemo today! There are no words.

Something bigger

The flood gates opened today...wow!! If you know me well, I don't show my emotions, I don't cry, or rarely I should say. But these last few weeks have softened my heart and I couldn't help but shed tears and manage to smudge my perfectly applied eyeliner on several occasions. Today was one of those occasions, powerful, spiritual even.

I had just finished a treatment on a client at school and while cleaning my supplies in the laundry room chatted with a fellow student and friend of mine. In the doorway a Cosmetology instructor shyly  and patiently glanced my way and waited to talk to me. She motioned for me to come out of the room and then officially introduced herself. Everyone at my school knows who I am, the bald cancer chic in Esthetics, but I don't know everyone in the school. "Hi Wendy, I'm Wendy, I haven't officially met you yet". She then said she wanted to share something with me. First let me preface her words with an event that she spoke to me about. On Tuesday October 12th Cameo College is hosting a spectacular yet epic hair and fashion show. It is not only a competition of creativity and talent between the Cosmo students, it is also a fundraiser. This year the monies raised will go to two breast cancer charities; Look Good Feel Better and Young Survivors Coalition. The show is a massive production held at Murray High School. With humble honor and gratitude, I am speaking to the entire audience of approx 2,000 about my experience and breast cancer journey. I will have the opportunity to be an awareness advocate and am thrilled to educate and share what I've been through.

Wendy said to me "first it is an honor to be working alongside you. I have to tell you that there is something big, something different about this show."

She held her hands high and wide as she described the magnitude of the feelings of this event, "something  big".

"This is the 6th show I've done and in all the years past it is a large production and difficult to pull together. But this year is different. Everything has fallen into place, one right after the other. I cant quite describe it. Its different, there is something bigger here. The feeling of this show is different. I feel we have the opportunity to touch the lives of many, I hope that many people come to the show."

Again she hugged me and thanked me for the opportunity to work with me, and shared how she admired me. At the end of our tender conversation, I knew that God's hands were involved, even to the very opportunity I had to talk with her and have her share such an experience. My eyes are wet with tears as I compose this post for I feel it still. I humbly walked away from that conversation deeply reflecting on her words. Bette Midler's lyrics ehoed through my heart "God is watching us, God is watching us, God is watching us....from a distance".

I felt the vast and eternal love God has for each one of us, including me. Many times throughout my life I feel unworthy to be an instrument in Gods hands to do good... if I'm not perfect,without flaws, weaknesses and sins, how can I help others? Yet through this experience with breast cancer I have had many, many experiences where I have touched someone, and here I am, just me, with flaws and weaknesses like everybody else. God is watching us, and looking out for us and blessing us, individually and collectively. Again I am humbled at the opportunity I have to be a part of that "Something bigger" that Wendy spoke of.

Truly, humbled.

To Radiate or not to Radiate?

I have waited for this day to arrive, not that it was one I was looking forward to, but it finally came. We didn't know  if I was going to have to undergo radiation and today we met with a radiologist. When I was first diagnosed my surgeon and first oncologist told us chemo would be necessary but no radiation. When I transfered my care to Huntsmans Cancer Institute, we told my oncologist that we were under the impression that radiation wasn't necessary, he wasn't so sure he agreed with that.

We met with Dr. Kokeny, Radiologist, this morning and discussed the need for radiation. After meeting with her we decided it would be necessary and in my best health care interest to take all medical precautions to treat my cancer so that it won't come back. Approximately 2 weeks after my last chemo treatment (3 left BTW), I will start radiation...6 weeks, 5 days a week. We anticipate increased fatigued with skin trauma anywhere from sunburned skin to pigmentation. Mid December I should be done with radiation. 2-3 months after radiation is complete I will finally be able to start my breast reconstruction - hallelujah

I just cant wait to get this wicked expander out of my chest! 

Being bald....not so bad

Ok, really, I so don't like being bald. At first I just wanted to hide inside the hats or the wigs. I even wanted to bag up my closet of clothes and rid myself of the feeling of not being attractive. I admit, I have a hard time getting dressed, looking in the mirror and being satisfied with my reflection. Shallow, maybe. But its real. All I see is shiny and naked cranium, it just screams CHEMO GIRL. "You look so beautiful", "you have an amazing shaped head", "no one can rock it like you"...comments from well meaning friends and I'm sure they mean it. It's just so darn hard. But I've had some amazing experiences with this Demi Moore/GI Jane look. Strangers sharing their heart and feelings with me right down to very tears. Somehow my chemo head and the very appearance of what I'm going through has inspired others, who knew. 

While shopping at Sephora, the sales girl helped Jen and I with the plethora of colorful and shiny things that makes all girls giddy...lipgloss, shadow, blush, and more lipgloss , (like a girl needs help in the most beautiful cosmetic store ever...chic heaven). She helped us, I shared my story and we were left to browse...alone...with all that sparkle!!! Later on our visit the sales girl came back to find me, tears in her eyes, she said "this is probably weird but I just have to tell you that you have been an inspiration to me. My sister had a miscarriage today and seeing you has touched me and you have just been and inspiration". I hugged her and told her to tell her sister I loved her. It was hard to hear that I was an inspiration, I didn't do anything special, I am just a bald me. It was that day that I realized that had I worn my wig, this tender experience never would have happened. I learned to take on my trials and bare it all. "It takes courage to go bald" as one breast cancer survivor told me who stopped me at the Swiss Days Festival this past weekend. She admitted she couldn't do it.  At that moment, I did sense a feel of courage & bravery. Maybe more BC women will have courage to rock it bald and bring inspiration to others. 

My journey is an ugly battle at times, but.....I would never trade it.

The gift of the Butterfly Ball

The Butterfly Ball went amazingly well. I feel I did a good job speaking. I wasn't as nervous as I thought I'd be. I spoke from my heart sharing how my medical treatment changed and gave thanks to those who contributed financially to make Image Reborn retreats possible as well as the medical professionals who made the time available to the women at the retreats.

A few surprises were in store that evening. They asked me to release a box of live butterflies that were dedicated to women who battle cancer. What an honor to be a part of such a sweet and tender moment. How beautiful it was to watch the butterflies dance into the sunset. Later that evening I was given a surprise DVD from a charming guy who worked at Stein Eriksens Lodge who captured on film the release of the butterflies and the sunset that captivated us all. His mother too is battling breast cancer. I hugged him tight with thanks in my heart as well as shared my love to him and his mother. 

A live auction was held after dinner and one of the items was a beautiful black mink and rabbit coat. Again I was surprised and thrilled to be asked to draw the winning number. The crowd cheered in celebration of the win #122! But the applause became more tender as #122 gave me the fur coat. Me? I couldn't believe it. I hugged him tight and with a kiss on his check gave thanks to this kind man. Later he approached me and told me to wear it and think of his wife Gail who passed 3 years ago from breast cancer. What an honor. How humbled. That evening I truly felt like Cinderella, the girl who has much fault and weakness, appeared in the heart of a trial and was honored and loved by everyone in that room. 

Truly I was 

overwhelmed

humbled

touched

Butterfly Ball

Im only a few hours away from my very first public speaking engagement...church doesn't count BTW. I have been invited to speak at the Image Reborn fundraiser held at Stein Eriksen Lodge, Deer Valley, UT. I will share what it meant to me to attend the Image Reborn Retreat and make connections with other young women fighting this disease as well as the medical connections I made and how it changed my cancer treatment.

Am I nervous? Just about. But mostly I am so humbled for this opportunity to share my story and publicly express my thanks to the hands and hearts of the generous donors who provided an amzaing start for me and my life with cancer.

If you are reading this, please pray for me that I may not fumble and that I may touch the lives of the anyone in hear shot, for that will truly be a gift back to others. 

Last day with Dr.Evil and half way there

Today was my last day with the A/C chemo combo, also known as the red devil because one of the chemo drugs is red and mean. 4 more chemo treatments to go starting Sept 7th.  Don't feel so well right now, go figure. We're doing a brain MRI on Wednesday because I've been having constant headaches, just ruling anything out - better be safe than oh so sorry. My cute lil mom was there again to support and hang out with me and I love it. I love you my mommy!

August 4, 2010

A visit to Disneyland always makes me happy!

July 24th 2010

Redefining HOPE

Whenever my head hits the pillow at the end of my day, my thoughts are a whirlwind pattern of constant images of cancer, feelings about it, the dread of chemo, imagining the outcome of my surgeries, the not knowing of everything. That word HOPE that saunters alongside every breast cancer ribbon and slogan disturbs me instead of comforting me when I'm feeling such things. I'm anxious about it. I'm supposed to find comfort in this word HOPE when I'm feeling scared, intimidated or alone about having cancer and yet I find it to be quite the opposite. HOPE: 'the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best'. I'm unsettled. HOPE is not enough for me. Believe and Faith and Live are words I replace hope with. There is a sense of personal action when I believe and have faith and above all LIVE. Hope is a word that floats like a feather and you 'hope' it lands in your hand. That's not good enough for me. I won't 'hope' along side breast cancer, I will LIVE alongside it and battle and overcome.